Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
12 11 10
30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01

It felt so good to look over my money spreadsheet. Why do I like this so much. The sense of security. The feel of it. Quantifiable security. I lost money this year. My savings dwindled because of fucking property taxes. I need to reorient the context of property taxes so it doesn't hurt so much to think about them. I'm banking on a big tax return on those mortgage interest deductions. That would be my undoing. I really doubt now that I would get as much back. I shouldn't plan out any further into the future until I find out how much I would get back. I might really end up just being a dollar short all the time.

Still coughing. It ruins my sleep. This has a domino effect on everything. My life is so fragile. Everything has to go exactly to plan for me to feel any progress or happiness. I'm super helpless against my circumstances apparently. I can't sleep, so I wake up really later. I don't have time to write or exercise or eat breakfast. I go to work all messed up. Do bad work. Stay late to try to catch up. Get home late. Feel like the whole day's been a drag and try to stay up late to recover some semblance of control and pleasure out of what free time I have. This of course leads to sleeping late and waking late and the whole thing starts again. I fight against this all the time. Why is it stacked against me? I try to just say fuck it I can't salvage the day and sleep early despite a bad day. I submit to the last insult of having no free time. I try to sleep and can't sleep so that effort's utterly wasted as well, an even worse outcome than if I had just let myself stay up. I know the point is to break the cycle and make the next night easier to sleep early and right the ship. There's the everything stacked against me part. It's going to require this multi-day effort simply to get on a basic level where I don't feel like I'm drowning. I won't see rewards for a long time. No guarantees. Just this constant feeling of not being in control of my fate.

New thing today, had sheep milk yogurt. It was kind of gross. Gamey. Like eating lamb with blueberries.