Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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I read more AIM logs, couldn't help myself. Nostalgia every chance I get. I'm overcome with a sense of loss. I had more friends back then, and had more fun, and had energy, and tried things and did things, and talked a lot more. I was probably a lot happier then too but I didn't think about happiness because I was happy. I had a much longer attention span, able to keep up conversations and being much more responsive. And I gave a shit. I was pretty oblivious too to a lot of things and should have pursued a lot more opportunities. I took a lot for granted and didn't appreciate those opportunities. That seems to be my story–missed opportunities, squandered and frittered away.

I would not have cut off V. That was super petty. I didn't have a good reason at all. It was down to communication. And jealousy, at the bottom of it. I regret that lost friendship very much now.

That was a critical point when I could have expanded my friendships and met a whole lot more people if I had embraced my connections to Berkeley people. But I didn't. Out of inferiority complex, insecurities, and inadequacies. V had invited me to Europe! And wanted me to go! I should have followed up. I had no good reason not to go either. I could have. A tight schedule is not an excuse. That doesn't mean anything.

I need to look around now and really see what opportunities I am squandering now. I know I will look back at my time now and do the same kind of nostalgia shit. I am here now and I need to take control of my life. It is never too late. I will not squander this. What do I do?

Had lunch at Fresh Choice. Good. I thought I had a fever though and still feel sick from the so far week-long disease I can't heal from. Still coughing. So that diminished the meal. But I should go there every week. Instead of wandering around north, I could have the best meal in Colma.

Got some of that root beer from Australia from BevMo. Diet. It still had 5 grams of sugar though.

I had to rest in the car multiple times today. Just lounging with the travel pillow. I'm getting hella weak and old.

Went to E's house and looked at his new cat. It's hiding under the bed. I was expecting it to be scared, but it looks like it's just chilling down there. I took some pictures and fed it. Then I just sat around. I am so lowkey now; the contrast is striking to how I behaved in college or even a couple of years ago. Something changed, went askew.

Drove back to Stonestown, dark, cold, bleak. Had good shrimp briyani at Curry Express. It's surprisingly good for food court food. Had froyo with mochi. Sat in the car after in the bleakness of the parking lot again.

Back home and read AIM logs and got depressed for all the things I lost.