Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Why do things suck so much? The joys of depression.

I felt super harried and hurried and rushed at work. I can't seem to make a dent in my workload. It's this constant feeling of being behind. I'm just going to sit back and fuck it. What are they going to do, fire me? That's the worst they can do, and it's about time.

Had dinner with C and I didn't enjoy a single moment. I don't know why I'm still friends with her. I'm just coasting, as part of my whole passive existence, I don't make a sound. She hasn't done anything really to make me not want to be friends. It's just I'm not getting anything out of it. I don't feel the things I should feel when people are with friends. There's no joy there. I'm just making the motions and it's sucking up all my energy to go through with it. I would, if I think about it, I would be happier if I didn't have to keep this sham friendship up. It's not fair that other people don't have to spend as much time nurturing their friendship with her and still seems to reap a lot of the benefits, more so even, than me. There's no point in any of this.

I should really make this more anonymous. If anyone I know reads this, it'll make things pretty explosive. But maybe that's what I really need. An intervention and this is my cowardly way of calling for help.

The thing coloring all this is my mom being extra sick this round of chemo. She fainted and hit her head and arm in the hospital this weekend when she went in to remove the chemical pump for this session. She was dehydrated from throwing up from the chemo. Low blood pressure. She and my dad spent a few hours there with an IV in her arm I suppose, or some shot to get her hydrated again. I can barely type this. My room is right next to my parents and I get to hear her suffering all night long. What the fuck is this life.

I ate at a new Chinese restaurant and it was ok in that I tried a new dish. Sizzling rice soup. It really is sizzling rice. Shrimp and tomato, so it was at least healthy.

I turned off my alarm this morning. It's shit like that that I can't stand. I need to wake up early to be happy. There's no getting around that fact. If I don't get up early and take advantage of that precious time when I'm motivated and actually have the time to do what I want, I won't ever do anything.

There's no point in me sleeping early either. I'm coughing still and keep myself up. But going to bed is the only real decision I could make today that would have any appreciable effect on my life. There is no winning.

I'm going to spend the rest of this week putting in lots of hours at work so I can keep up with the work. They are just shoving shit on. Of course I sit there meekly while they do this.

Indifference isn't as ironclad as I thought. Things do get through. Trump's election. First time I got high. Those things surprised me in their effectiveness. Mom's sickness is another. I couldn't do anything about them. Not caring doesn't work. They still hit like a ton of bricks.