I feel this compulsion to write on here. It's a nice self-driving motivation, the kind that I'm trying to cultivate, and always willing to entertain and follow through with because they are so rare. It's like masturbation or peeing or sleeping. Biological in a way. Hard to pass up. Or it's just today that I feel especially compelled to blog.
I watched a TED video about rejection. This made me think about my own life and if that video has any useful information I can use to improve things. But then I began thinking too much and questioned the improving things part. What am I improving if I got over fears of rejection. I don't credit that fear to what I hate about my life. Most of my problems stem from my family and how I react to my family. I need to stand up to my family. That's the video I need to see. A fear of rejection could be part of that I suppose? I don't know. It's too far afield to be readily, apparently useful to me. Fear of rejection is not going to fix cancer. This could be an excuse too, if I always blame my mom's cancer and my family on all my troubles. This dismissal prevents any way for me to get out of. Of course there's nothing I can do about the cancer, but it should be how I cope and deal with it that matters right. The problem is that I don't believe anything I do, any improvement in my life, could make me feel better if cancer is always in the background. Ok, I manage to get a girlfriend and have sex and make money and speak well in public and feel better about humanity. So what. My mom is still going to die and I'm still living helplessly at home and feeling trapped by family expectations. I need help with standing up to my family, and finding a way to function, and somehow reconciling my needs with the huge non-negotiable need of my dying mother. What can I do?
As always, my feelings shift and change and I have to learn not to hate my previous selves, and to know that what I'm feeling now at this moment will pass and I will be feeling something else in no time at all. I want to hold on to consistency and it causes so much internal conflicts and tearing. Go with the flow.
I do not like to speak. Though that's not true. I like talking with E and friends and V for example. I hate talking with my parents, at work, with strangers. It's back to control I guess. I'm decidedly at a disadvantage when trying to stumble through broken Chinese with family. I hate how stupid I sound and how inarticulate and I can't get my meaning across. It's the worst feeling and probably at the root of my problems with family. I feel so distant from them because of the lack of communication.
I don't know how to improve. I don't know how to get better. I don't know the way. Negative. Don'ts. Self-alleviating of responsibility right there. Constant self-referencing and hyper self-aware but not to any useful end. Just a trapped loop.
It's raining wonderfully again and again I can't take advantage and enjoy it because I have to do things other people want to do. I don't ever feel like I can say no to my family because I know I will feel guilty afterward and it's all a game of keeping away from guilt, at any cost. So I suffer. How can I blame my mom? So there's no one to blame, and I writhe and coil and it's all bad business. My insides are all lashed up and bleeding.
And this is like before noon. I am not sure what I will do for the rest of my Saturday that is the best day of the week and that I'm squandering. The context is perfect. It's all the shit inside.
I'll finish watching Westworld today for sure. I don't think it's great. Good I suppose. It should not have to depend on a good ending to make up for the rest of the story. It's a misstep to me to make Bernard a robot. The character immediately died for me. Even worse, he died and retroactively invalidated how great I thought he was from before. It feels cheap.