It's like I'm holding a grudge but there's no one to be mad at. I don't know why I feel so annoyed and angry and agitated all the time. There was something else I hated too that I forgot. Lots of things, so much to choose from I'm sure.
Oh. Yes. I know what I should do. At least, what the socially optimal thing to do is for certain situations. I should go back to the bar and hang out with everyone. I should talk with mom when I come home from work because she had been stuck with grandma all day long. I should I should. I know and I don't do it. And that's only for the super obvious situations. There are loads of instances when I have no idea what to do, much less able to make myself do it. So it's a sliver of a subset of a subset of my interactions with the world when I actually act and do what I know is beneficial and good. Self-sabotage. I don't have my own best interests at heart.
MOMA tomorrow, going to be great.
Company meeting, hate knowing how little I contribute and how distant I am from the whole operation. I can't even approach the point where I would begin to care enough. The worst thing is that I don't want to be anywhere else because I'm running on pure momentum and fumes right now and to reengage and try to get another job and to reinsert myself into a new group of people is super beyond me. Do not want at all. I don't think I can last much longer, is my general expectation nowadays. I'm not making effort and it's easy to tell. What is to become of me, the passive refrain again.