Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Rogue One, liked the ending and the continuity. Darth Vader at the end was great. I liked how well it linked up with the rest of the story. That was super strong and exactly the type of thing I admire and like and want to do in my stories. The bleakness and helplessness of a cause, but still fighting, hit me hard too and was really effective. Everything else was ok and not bad. Good movie.

Felt super annoyed and kind of knocked back when V didn't want me to go along with her and J because she just wanted to talk with him about job stuff. She means no offense by it I'm sure, but it was like, what? I don't want you there while I talk about important stuff with J. I don't think she knows how much that could hurt. Exclusion. That tilted my night. It was ok at that point, small group dinner, N and S and V and J and me. I didn't feel pressed or that my voice got lost, which happens all the time everywhere.

Tomorrow is going to suck because mom is going to get bad news that the cancer is still there and they're going to put her on some other really risky drug, and that's the best case scenario because there could be no drug left and they can't do anything about that cancer growth. I don't see anything good about it. There is no hope. Not even a new one. Fuck. How am I going to respond to this. I've pretty much spent all my indifference and distancing away from the pain. The most likely thing is that the cancer is still there and not really changed that much, so not responsive to the drug. They will continue for another round to see if anything happens. So there will just be a prolonging of pain and not even really uncertainty because I'm super pessimistic about it so it's just going to prolong the certainty of the doom. I can't even say I just want to get it over with because there is no end to this shit. Mom dying is the best outcome, wtf? This is the insidious thing about cancer. It's not even a fight. There's nothing to fight. There's no clear cause and effect and agency and progress. It's just there and gets worse and worse mixing in dark slabs of persistent despair with cliffs disguised as hope. I have to live with this, mom has to live with this until she gives up. There is nothing.

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