The likely thing happened. Some tumors got smaller some got bigger. Continue chemo. No change. Prolonged suffering, with promise of more dread and worrying later. I felt sick to my stomach on the commute back, as I got off the bus, walked back, opened the door. I get to go through that again in another three months or whatever, and I get to look forward to that date during the entire time in between. The way my mind works, with its inability to compartmentalize, is the worst thing about it.
There's my pessimism, taking the extreme worst case scenario so I don't get surprised. Then there's what I could feel will be the most likely thing. Then there's the scared optimism cowering in the corner trying not to draw attention or get noticed because I've beaten and kicked the shit out of it.
I haven't been picking my nose, my right nostril at least, the one that had the cut probably, that hurt for a while. It's stopped hurting so the cut's healed, but that got me thinking that what if I just left my nose unpicked. It's not going to get so bad that it'll close up and block everything. It'll establish an equilibrium like earwax. The point of it is to not have a clear passage for germs to fly in. The boogers are there as part of the defenses. I've been picking all that off all this time. Lose.
What am I going to do now. Going forward. I'm not giving up on this year yet. I have ten whole days left. What will I do with this. Can I get Chapter 4 done? Run it through pessimism optimism most likely. I love drawing boxlists.
Everything is possible.