Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01
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I really should get my mole and weird skin growths checked out.

My uncle, son of my grandmother's sister I think?, died this morning. I'm bad in that I think, is he going to be my rich uncle who leaves me money? I used to play with my cousins when I was smaller, but I haven't seen them aside from a dinner or two and a wedding. It's been a long time coming too; he's been in the hospital for months. I really wonder about the medical bills. And my aunt. And the funeral. And how they will have to change all the bills and paperwork. I wonder how they feel now. I imagine I would feel relief when my parents die. Of course I would be sad, I still have the good human feelings, but intellectually now, sitting here, I can imagine the relief. I won't have to worry about disappointing them again, or feel the pressure to get married, or do whatever anymore. I would be free. Truly. I don't have to worry about their health or if they turn senile and getting them medical help. It simplifies a lot of things. There is just grief that's expected. There may be some magnified pain, in how everyone around them's affected. If my mom died, it would be a huge burden on dad. Grandma would be harder to take care of. Dinner and basic household work me and my sister would have to step up and do. If grandma died, it would definitely be relief for my parents. Dad could stop getting angry and yelling. It would be very sad, as she has taken care of me. She's lost her short-term memory now and has been difficult to live with. If dad died, that would be catastrophic. Everyone would suffer immensely. We would have to do much more to take care of mom. She throws up often after chemo and needs the bucket of vomit cleaned. Emotional support too. She would have no one to talk to, which is the biggest problem. With grandma there too all day long, it would be unbearable and I could imagine the chemo not working on mom and she would waste away that much faster. If sister died, that would ruin me. I would probably completely shut down for a year straight. I wouldn't be able to handle it. This is the real shit. The likely scenario would be that mom dies first, before grandma. Then grandma. Then a bunch of years past before dad dies. And then I don't know. If things go as expected. How would I respond to these absolute certainties? However they die, and in what order, they will die. The best case scenario is that grandma dies first. This lessens the burden on everyone. Then mom after a long battle with the cancer, a decade perhaps. I have no optimism or delusions when it comes to her cancer. Then dad a couple of decades later. In all these scenarios, I would have to figure out how to cook or deal with the meal situation for dad. Or family meals would just end. I would be living in the basement and I would just cook my own food. No, that doesn't seem like it would happen. I would come up and eat. Always. I like predicting so I can be prepared.

The only good thing I can see happening is that my aunt and cousin will move out of the basement and I can have my own space again. Other than that, everything else is shit. It's just all people dying and me getting fired and getting skin cancer or my sister getting run over by a truck or me crashing the car. Hope for good is hella no use to me. It's risky as fuck. Who would invest in hope? The downsides are immense. And I don't know what you do with the upside. Feel springy in your every day life, being optimistic? No thank you. I can't live so vulnerable.