Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
06 05 04 03 02 01
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Day of nothing. Woke up vaguely and really aware of everyone in the house. I wished I were alone. I did the reddit in bed thing I hate so much because I didn't want to act or make a noise or draw attention to myself. Got up after I couldn't take it anymore. Push ups. Weights. The credit highlight of the day. I did three sets of push ups and really felt it. I need more of that. Weights were weird because I had different weights on each hand. Made myself oatmeal, which was a lynch pin of my previous routine that I miss and can't do because I'm living at home. Mom went to the hospital with dad, it was pump removal day. I then left. Hiked. Fresh Choice. Rested in car. Wandered into Target a little to see if they had pajama pants for cheap and if they had Halos so I could redeem them. No on both. I took a shit. I went back to the car and just sat there for a while, being alone, reddit, podcast, and vacillated. The sun was going down and it was getting cold and dim. I didn't want to go home and deal with the dinner situation. I was still full from Fresh Choice for some reason and couldn't use hunger as my guide. I just decided to drive back. I got back and sat next to the park and really didn't want to get out. I called dad to say I'm not coming back for dinner. No answer. I sat in the car for a while longer with the podcast and called again. No answer. More podcast. I didn't want to call the home number because I didn't want to disturb mom. I wanted Blaze pizza but wasn't hungry so I didn't know how I was going to manage. Where was I even going to go? I could also go to Starbucks and sit there waiting to get hungry and get pizza then. What the fuck is with my situations. I decided that I would go buy the pizza now and then…? I don't know. At that point, I just moved to move. I approached the intersection without any decision set and just went right with no agency behind it. Stonestown it was. Dad called back and I was at least able to get that bit of relief and closed loop. I got there and supposed I could just sit somewhere near the food court I guess and use their wifi until I got hungry enough to do the eating thing. I logged on and found out that the mall closes right then. Of course, of course something like that would happen. There were people still around. The shops were shuttered and lights were turning off or dim. Cookie place was cleaning. Nothing was sadder at that point. I needed to get out. The pizza place was half closed, the mall opening had the gate down. People were lining up outside. It closed at 10. I was still not hungry. I had no idea what to do. I wandered over to Trader Joe's for some reason. Finding Halos again. No again. I bought some bacon jerky again for no reason. It was the most unhelpful purchase because it was only going to further erode my appetite, which I'm kind of depending on to drive me forward. So I'm lobbing myself up to continue in this hell of a limbo state. Limbo is the true hell. Whatever. I had no fucks. I didn't care. I could have also walked through the mall, but I didn't want to chance it even though there was no risk there at all. Irrational thinking. So I walked all the way around in the cold with my bag of fucking bacon jerky I didn't want to be eating. I saw the old Stonestown theater. The old amber lights were inviting. It was so self-contained. It had no business being still in business. It had two crappy screens showing smallish side B and C list movies. I walked toward it in the melodramatic mood of the scene and just kind of stared. I went to my car and went to the Starbucks, where I should have gone in the first place at that intersection, turned left. I'm sitting here now. I like how it closes late at 11. I watched some more vlogs which didn't feel right. I guess I'm embarrassed that I'm watching the vlogs in public. The coffee is pushing back my appetite again and setting up the situation I'm trying so hard to avoid. I won't eat anything and become starved later tonight. I don't know what my problem is. I verified stuff with bitcoin place, which felt really sketchy and I wouldn't be surprised if my information is all over the internet now. Identity theft is just what I need. I'm not writing. Haven't written for a week. I haven't done anything for a week. Bitcoins will not save me. Nothing will. I'm going to go through with it because I'm sick of not going through with things. I pre-emptively cut myself off short. I'm sick of that. No more. Whatever it is, fuck my intuition and caution and detection. I want to get fucked up. It's better than hesitating and doubling back. Give me the consequences.

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