Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Transferred some ether. This cryptocoin thing is so early and rough. I can't see more people using this for another decade, if ever. Buy when in doubt yo.

M.I.A. - Paper Planes yes please. Nice and irreverent. Bang bang bang and take your moneh!

Dinner with E, which was good. PPQ wasn't very.

I'm trying to write a sit-down kind of journal post now. I just felt bad to horrible this entire day. For no reason. That is pretty definitive. I should get medical help. I don't really want therapy as that involves talking. And talking betrays me. I'm bad at saying what I really mean, and end up saying any old thing to say something. I see it happening in real-time, my words dropping the ball, wrecking. And the human interaction always makes me perform instead of revealing who I am. I just prance around and not be myself around people. Like being invisible only when no one's looking. It's a reflex at this point. I don't know how to be myself around other people. My true self. It takes practice, I'm sure that's how it goes.

Why did I feel bad all day? A typical day. It starts in the morning. That sets the tone. I wake up later than I want. That's an automatic arrow to my day. I feel immediately helpless to change my circumstances. Even something as easy as waking up when I want, I can't seem to do it. I don't have control. That puts me in an awful mood. Then of course, I'm surrounded by my parents and grandma just outside my door, doing morning stuff. I don't know why I hate the sounds of other people so much. I don't want to listen to my parents talk, because it just reminds me that my mom's going to die. And my dad too. So I would rather not be reminded of that. It's a very bad way to look at this. I can only see the oncoming doom, which overshadows everything in the present. I've set all these triggers up in my brain and they just trip, every morning, every day. Bang bang bang, I'm miserable. I just want to flee and get out of the house. So no breakfast, another strike against my self-determination and control because I want to have breakfast but I've made myself unable to get up early enough or stay long enough to eat. I also don't want my mom to make me breakfast. I'm sure it makes her feel good to do that for me, but I can't handle it. So I rush out and it's dismal because I have to go to work, regardless of the fact that work is not that bad. Just the concept of it is enough to make me feel bad. I hate how it's the same thing every morning. So the route of it adds to my depression. Of course, I miss the train. I always miss the train, because there's always a train that goes past before I get to the bus stop. I only feel good about the train situation if I get there, then the train shows up within five minutes. Then I feel like I was in the right spot at the right time, and feel momentarily at peace with the world. That is so rare though, and every time that it isn't this perfect scenario, I collapse in on myself with despair. Having nothing to look at on my phone also reinforces how futile and empty my life is. Reddit is pointless. Haven't even opened Twitter for a week. I want nothing to do with the inauguration or want to hear about Trump ever. The news is dead to me. Patrick Rothfuss's Twitter is just shit now. Politics really sucks. Work, I hate how sparse the office is, actually. There's no life. It's dark and dim. The designers don't have work. Everything I'm doing is meaningless. Everything I say has no meaning and is trite. I make no meaningful human contact or interaction for the entire day even though I'm surrounded by coworkers. All this reminds me and makes so vividly clear by contrast how much deficit I am in. What is wrong with me? So then lunch, which is my only real break, I get guilty for wanting to eat alone, so that spoils it, and I spend $15 on lunch, whic I'm trying not to care about because I don't want to bring lunch, so once again I turn something that should be enjoyable into shit. I feel sad and guilty because I want to only spend $5 on lunch. There's no safe haven. I trudge back to work, passing the same shops and streets that I've passed hundreds of times, back into the dim, quiet, sparse, raspy office where no one cares about me and I don't care about anyone else, and I send some fucking email. The day gets dark early in that dim place. I would feel my eyesight getting worse and worse from the lack of light. Stress comes in sharp jolts throughout the work day. I sit and don't move and sit some more, quietly, hating all conversation going on around me because I'm not part of them and I want to be and I don't want to be. The trip back is much worse than the commute to. I have no energy. The walk up the hill is numb. I walk anonymously in gray amongst the downtown crowd of gray people. I feel time pressure too because I'm expected home for dinner, which I hate because I don't want my parents to feed me when I should be doing something, but I don't want to cook for people, I only want to cook for myself, but I can't. It's one or the other, eat their cooking, or cook for everybody, and both of these are bad and not what I want, but I can't bring my wishes to effect, I don't know how to get what I want. So I suffer. I eat in silence because I keep wanting to show how unhappy I am, but at this point, that's taken as my default demeanor, silence, and silence doesn't mean anything here. I don't communicate anything, it's super ineffective and dumb. Few hours of mindless internet surfing, which are my only reprieve ruined again by my constant guilt over pleasure, apparently. I should be writing, but I don't. I watch Youtube. It has gotten better in that I've stripped away all sites and bookmarks so I would have nothing to distract me. But it just ends up feeling so empty and desolate, because there's just this barren desert landscape around me with nothing I enjoy or look forward to or anything. I've made a hell for myself. I keep not writing and it ends up super late. There's no chance for me to wake up early tomorrow. Repeat forever until I die.

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