Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Avoiding Trump news is hard. I have to turn my body at an angle to avoid the TV during dinner. The news is in Chinese, but I still understand enough that I have to hum in my ear.

I cut my hair today, which is an accomplishment. It's such a chore that I've been putting off for weeks. I've decided to add these kinds of things to the to-do list in Habitica and check them off immediately. I want credit for my efforts.

Mom is on the other side of the door saying she's worried about her tumor around her neck sucking up all her nutrients and getting big and blocking her throat. This is what it's like all the time non-stop suffering and why I put on noise-cancelling earphones and blast music. I can't face reality. I would like to say that it'll be different if it's something I can control, but I don't think I would behave any different even if it were. I'm not over there comforting her, for example.

I get flashes of intense loneliness and horror imagining my family being gone and I can't be totally behind my dream of freedom if I were free of my family. The illusion wavers. How could I want something so badly that I don't really want?

I'm anxious about tomorrow when I have to take office pictures and then have to deal with the company holiday party. I don't want to go and feel like I have to. I would end up going of course, and suffer. It's my lot. Self-imposed suffering. I don't know how I can make this better.

My head is cold from the haircut. If left to my own devices, I would not cut my hair and just let it grow out all gross like Hulk Hogan, like a curtain of strangly hair wrapped around the back of my head. I'm cutting my hair because of Chinese New Year and because of the photo-taking. Both external forces making me doing something I don't want to do. All my exertions are for the benefit of these external forces and not me. When was the last time I did something for myself. I have no control over my life and I don't go after what I want.

I could only blog and complain. Feels good.

Tested my cold wallet today, sent some ether back and forth. I think it's good. I have to of course expose the private key on a connected computer, but whatever. I would more likely lose my money through a faulty wallet than getting hacked somehow from me using my private key. I'm losing a lot of faith in cryptocurrency. It's hard to use and inconvenient and I don't see readily apparent benefits for all the fuss. It's making people feel special and smart, so it's serving that purpose. Make me rich goddamn it.