Sleepwalked through the day. Mom had chemo this week. It's a fog drifting behind and over and all around me.
I feel sick. Exhausted. Sleepy. Can't focus. Restless. I don't know what I want. I had my hoods up and kind of shambling through the downtown streets and on the bus. This is a nightmare.
I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is just drifting. Grandma's memory is getting worse and worse and compounding problems, making dad angry, annoying everyone else, disturbing mom's rest. It's a clusterfuck. I'm not doing anything to help the situation either. I'm going to live in this hole forever with no end in sight.
I really think I'm getting sick. I get sick like all the time around Chinese New Year. It's the Chinese gods punishing me for being a crappy Chinese person.
I can't escape this weekend because it's Chinese New Year and I have to stick around the family. So I have to basically watch mom suffer the entire time, not being able to eat anything or enjoy the holiday.