When I get depressed like today, don't feel like engaging, or feeling up for anything, don't want to do anything, or start anything, I need to make myself be ok with this and not make it worse by thinking I should feel like something else. I know this passes and I'm not going to fight it. Fighting it and thinking I should be happier and wondering why and all the self-flagellating is unnecessary. I'm not going to solve my depression by thinking my way out of it. So until I get help, I'm going to relax and ride it. It's helped. Mosey. I'm going to be like this forever.
Fresh Choice today. They raised the price. I couldn't finish the second plate of salad. Then I took a nap in the parking lot and looked at porn. I felt scared that someone will see and it seems like it would be some kind of crime. We don't want people looking at porn in public right. So I felt super creepy and went to Starbucks.
I hate the rhythm of Sunday. I looked at my money spreadsheet to make myself feel better, but there really isn't anything left of the day. I can't salvage anything. Nothing left. I'm going to watch Youtube for the rest of night. I hate sitting here while dad cooks and mom's in bed suffering. And grandma talking to herself.
Dinner was horrible at first. Mom's all fatalistic and has lots of pain and feels dismal. Dad then cut his finger peeling an apple. My lens is fixed on super pessimism and it's all I can see. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Drown myself in Youtube now so I don't have to feel anything.