Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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A couple of things.

I'm writing this very first thing in the morning. I feel contemplative.

I don't want any material objects. I was thinking about why I couldn't get what I wanted and that led to asking what I wanted in the first place. The things I wanted are immaterial, for the most part.

The first thing is freedom from my family. Independence. I can't buy that. I don't even know how to get that. I have to wait until my parents and grandma dies for that to happen. The other way is to do what they want and get a girlfriend and get married and move out. So it's like this passing of obligation to family. I can't ever be completely free in their chain of things. So that's the biggest thing I can't have, that all my pursuits and endeavors aren't getting me closer to achieving.

My only endeavors and efforts are going into money. And not that great either. Why am I toiling over accumulation of money when money can't buy me what I really want? This brings me to the second thing. I want validation. Especially as a fuck you to conventional Asian cultural norms. I don't want to go to fucking pharmacy school. I don't want to have grandbabies. I don't want to live up to anything. I hate all the validation that all those people get for that life choice and checklist. I want to do something else and have that be super awesome and make them question their life choice. I hate hate that they think they're better than other people because they are following the track. I obviously have people in mind when I think this. I want to prove all of them wrong and make them confront their rote existence. This is also not material. I think money can help, but I would need a lot of it to make a difference. The closest is me retiring early and just hanging out without stress while they hella stress out and wondering how I did this. The ultimate way for me to do this is to write and be successful. That would be supremely satisfying and I can't think of anything else that would give me greater pleasure, other than the first thing in the list, about freedom from the family and independence. This is a close second.

I don't want anything else. There is nothing I want buy. Travel is eh. That takes a lot of effort and I don't really get that much out of it. I would need to travel with friends. That ties in with my first want. I can't do or enjoy anything if I'm worrying about my family. It's a -10 to anything. So the Iceland trip, for example, it was just ok because I was traveling with C, whom I don't want to travel with again, and the -10 from my mom's cancer kind of made the trip into a dud. The only awesome part was when I was in the hot water with snow falling down, and the other one was when C left and I was free to be alone. Those were the two bright spots. Even the northern lights were disappointing in how small and faint they were. So the kind of travel I want requires more than just a ticket out. Buying the ticket is not the problem. I'm lacking the serenity and mental space to make traveling a net positive.

So my wants right now seem to be about digging myself out of holes, to get rid of unhappy things, and restraints. Sort of. First one definitely, the second one is more of getting my self-esteem up and guesses of how other people perceive me up. I want to reject their reality so badly.

Saturdays are now about waking up from oversleeping at 10:48 and waiting around for two hours until it's time to buy some take out and bring it back for grandma and mom who would eat a little bit, then it's already really late and I feel like I don't have time and I leave and have to pay attention to how much time I have left because I would say I will come back for dinner, the easy answer, and the entire day's ruined. That's Saturday. And it's only going to get worse as mom's cancer and grandma's senility progress. Fuck my life. Whenever I sound super selfish and complainy, I would just insert my mom's cancer and then it shifts and explains away my awful behavior and attitude. Whee.

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