Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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It's easy to deprive myself. Good habits! I need to channel this into good endeavors. I don't miss Reddit. I deprive positive pleasure from not going to Reddit. The very act of withholding my attention, like my refusing to pay attention to Trump, persistently basks me in mild joy. Spite. I will cut out padding from my words. I like direct speech, and it's cool to cut through what everyone is getting fed. It's astonishing when I hear people who speak directly. I have to actively keep up when I listen. It's invigorating. Every word matters and you're not waiting for them to get on with it. I aspire to that. Dense meaning.

I could train myself to do that, but it's having a weird effect on me here. I want to write whatever, and I don't like the restrictive feeling. So I won't do it. I'll apply that more to my emails, and my book. Here, eh, whatever, I'm going to let the words flow and hang loose. This is the last place I want to think more than two seconds about what the next word will be when I type.

Doing laundry. My own. So it's like a tax credit or something. Less onus on mom, and not so much as a positive benefit. So I'm still not contributing to this family. The mortgage is pretty much the only thing I have going.

I'll keep sleeping earlier because I would run out of things to do. I would be too tired to write and that's it. Good side effects. Maybe this could be the start of a good chain reaction. Since everything's part of the chain, I guess starting from any point would work as well as any other. So I don't actually have to pin all my hopes of getting up early in the morning. Hrm.

The more I habituate my body and mind to this new rhythm, I think I can do this. I know I'll be super tired mentally when I get home. I could just sit and rest my eyes or stare off in space. Injecting exercising in this time slot, as unintuitive as that sounds, might work. Fight mental fatigue with physical fatigue. On to something! I was still tired after working out, but I wasn't really doing it right. I'll keep that up.

And of course, this would lead me to my dating profile. I could so easily add a habitica and message a girl every day. It would be so easy to do. I can see myself doing it. It would be simple as fuck. Then numbers game, someone would have to reply. And out of that, someone would go out on a date with me. And out of that, someone would go out on a second date. That's all I could hope for. If I get a second date, that's a super achievement right there. Mom will probably die when I reach that high, of course, and the universe will make its mercilessness known again. I will supplement the online dating with efforts to volunteering. CCSF classes? I don't know if classes will be the best place to meet people. Maybe. It would at least be something I'm doing outside. I'm putting all my hopes in volunteering to meet people. Even that isn't direct enough. I'm sick of meetups. I have just been to a few, but I hate the high activation costs of them. There's maybe a weird expectations thing there. I need some kind of long exposure, consistent contact that I think classes will provide, but it's going to be like college again and I didn't fucking meeting anyone in class. That's probably not going to work as I imagine. Probably not at all. I would just be sitting there wasting my time. The level of interactivity is key. Volunteering is high for sure. Maybe I can keep going to one meet up consistently and see what happens. There's the continuity part. I'll combine all three, keep it up for years and years, and something is going to happen. I'll at least practice being myself in front of other people. That is my problem right there. I'm too scared to act like myself and end up performing and hating every minute. I have a choice to just not give a fuck and start letting people see what I am really like, and actually provide something for people to work with. I need to just be, take it easy, I have more time than I think, in life, in the conversation, in thought. No more performing or pretense.