Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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I think I panic-attacked at first when I was trying to shut out all the sound from home, don't want to hear grandma, or mom, or dad in distress. I'm always in fight or flight mode and it's stressing me the hell out. I couldn't put on earphones and couldn't keep them off; I couldn't stand not knowing if some imminent danger's coming and I'm not ready and I couldn't stand listening to everyone suffering because I couldn't help anyway. I was silently frantic in my chair in my room. How much long can I last.

I'm not going to message anyone in OKCupid today, I can't make myself do it today. It's such a fucking chore, and I have to act like I enjoy it. My distaste surely comes across.

I still haven't asked for a raise because I'm a pussy.

I'm saving money, with me not having to trim off any surplus every month for property tax. But like everything I feel good about, I can't enjoy it because it doesn't bring me closer to what I really want. It's busy work and losing meaning fast.

Grandma fell yesterday and hurt her hands and scratched her face. She's going to fall again; today she has already forgotten she fell, and keeps rubbing her wounds. So her dementia is getting worse. Mom's cancer situation of course is getting worse too. Dad is stressing the fuck out, from both situations. Everything is going straight down the shitter.

Exercising, and writing, work, and online dating–all those things that would improve my life if I persist–I'm putting in this effort and seemingly have no results. I have made no headway anywhere. I'm still not gaining muscles. I still don't have a finished second draft. I've gotten no responses. I haven't gotten a raise ever at my job. Why are the bad things growing with no effort, and even effort against them, and all the good things are dead in the water despite my every effort? Am I just not trying hard enough? What the hell does it take?

I believe in never giving up and if I persist and keep on going, I would get there. I am not seeing any evidence of that, except for stupid money that isn't supposed to mean anything and I can't feel proud of and it's not even solid money as it could all evaporate tomorrow.

I feel so bad.