Grandma goes to the back corner of her room, farthest away from the living room, but closest to my room, and airs all her grievances to herself outloud in a harsh whisper and pounds her chest because of all her stopped up discomfort and internal strife. She badmouths my mom and say what a horrible daughter-in-law she is. My mom has always hated her parents-in-law, and vice versa I'm sure. I don't understand this about family at all. Yes, there's the tradition and family sticking together is an important social good, and all that stuff. Individually, it sucks ass. It's a whole bunch of people who hate each other having to live together. It's a lifelong sentence, in my mind. I would never want to impose that on people I'm supposed to love and care about the most. Family seems to an excuse to force independents together against their will and best interest. Just because the concept of family works for other people doesn't mean you have to do it. I hate having social norms and expectations imposed on me. Fuck that shit. I want to be free.
There's no way I could write anything positive at this point. This blog is a dumping place for me to vent and spew and hate on life. Nothing gives me as much energy apparently. It's so easy and feels good to hate and not care. This is self-therapy which is the dark kind that doesn't lead to recovery back to a nice and well-adjusted social norm, but digs myself deeper and deeper in the abyss. I'm starting to lose empathy and connection to normal society. Hate comes so easily. Hate or indifference. Same thing, in the end, I think. Indifference is probably worse than hate.
I think this is how people get spun way outside of social norms. Nothing about normal society interests or benefits them, and there's no point in associated with it. I'm starting to feel the same way. Nothing normal is benefiting me or making me feel good. Hate feels good. Hate is easy. So go with that. The arc of my descent.
I need a new thing today.
Where is my ether?? It's supposed to deposit at the end of today and it's 8 already. Can't wait to write a nasty email demanding my magic internet money. Second-tier magic internet money.
Dinner was only tolerable today because mom's voice was reasonable strong and she didn't sound weak and fatalistic.
I'm not just going to write tonight. Already outlined a bunch at work. I need something else. It's so blank. I just have to resist going on YouTube and Reddit. That's it. I can do whatever else.