Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Allergies making everything a tinge worse.

It's now like an active indifference. I'm going out of my way to not care. I bought some earbuds from Walgreens because I left work for lunch and nothing was going to make me walk back in there to get my own earbuds. It's come to this, on the scale when I weigh what I do. I didn't want anything to do with the stupid cupcakes. I had stayed hungry and stayed behind to be part of the surprise. But the director wasn't back from lunch and we waited around awkwardly in the kitchen area and I hated the irony. I'm seemingly always getting punished for any positive effort I put into things. So fuck that. I left. No regrets. I don't give a shit, hard, and it's probably becoming super clear to everyone.

I love doing my OKCupid penance chore right when I get back from work and super exhausted and hating I have to be at home instead of relaxing in my own apartment. The whole OKCupid thing is so ludicrous. Pairing it with arguably the worst moment of my day just makes sense. Fighting bad with bad. Love it. This is how it'll be sustainable.

I don't see a throughline to my life right now. I'm going to stay in this room until I die. I don't see how I can leave it. There is no exit plan. Wow I feel so awful right now. It's super dense. Despair. No future. Bad present. Bad past. It's all mixing in this soup of helplessness and pain. Down down down. I'm breathing in short spurts. That can't be good. Things have progressed to physical manifestations.

This makes me want to hella exercise later. So that's good. It's all I'm doing nowadays it seems: trying to convert the depressive energy into something productive.

I feel so tidy finishing up my crypto buying and all that. I can just hold right now and not pay attention to the news. I'll check back at the end of the year. Luxury. I'm going to guess it'll be worth the same as when I bought them. Thinking about it more makes me skeptical. I keep hope alive though. It's why I bought into them in the first place. Prove me wrong universe. I don't care about 10K. I won't lose all of it. The worst case scenario is if it's boring and just goes sideways. By avoiding the news, I even cut myself off from having to wait around and deal with that. Anything exciting will inevitably die off and reverse or whatever. I don't want that noise either. I'll be happy if at the end of the year it's super high or super low. If super low, definitely buy more, into Phase II. I want to double my holdings. If super high, then cool. I won't sell, ever. So the super nice scenario is if it's super low. Everything else, indifference. The worst, again, is if it's hovering the same prices. Boring as fuck.

What makes me happy? Something dark, I bet.

All my recent doom and gloom and anti-social thoughts are calcifying, which is terrifying. I'm going to be like this forever.

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