A lot of my troubles come from missed opportunities I think. I was thinking about S and how she's invited me to brunch and her birthday and wanted to be friends, but I've just been super bad about following up and inviting her to things and don't put any effort into keeping in touch. She helped me get a job! I was her reference too, but I missed the call. So I can't even say I really helped her. Like with pretty much all my relationships, there's a huge imbalance, light on my side. I'm going to stop thinking about it. I could do that forever.
I'm at Danube and there's a really hot girl sitting at the table across from me. She's with some guy though, can't tell if they're together. I can't stop sneaking looks.
My screen is dusty and gross, but I can't find my screen cloth, which is buried somewhere in the boxes I've refused to unpack. I construct my own prison.
I'm wearing a super wrinkly shirt. It's making me self-conscious.
I don't know what my plans are. Type here. Then library for internet? What am I going to eat? I had salad and having a chai. The best salad I've tasted in a long time. Going home for dinner.
The next computer I'm going to buy is a Chromebook for sure. Super cheap. Then I want to upgrade my PC and monitor. That plan feels so good.
My other big problem is my reactivity, passivity. I could feel its detrimental effects in my everyday life. I could see how I could improve and do things better, but I sit back and don't do it, and let it pass by. This is linked with all the missed opportunities I see. I have to get out in front of things, to dip into the future and proactively take advantage and clear my own way. My glasses for example. I'm not replacing them because they didn't break yet. The fact that they can be better and improved, that difference is not tangible and convincing in my mind to compel me to act, not like a deficient or a broken thing could compel me to act. I feel I'm forced to act in the latter case. The trick would be to make the potential bump in goodness to seem real and immediate to me, as real and immediate as an actual dip in badness, enough to extract action out of me.
Good dinner at home. Mom was alert and sounded normal. She ate.
Bought security cameras. That's one thing I can check off my list.
Feels good to have written a page and a half of a new more interesting prologue. Today's ending very well compared to most days in recent memory.