I drank some coffee soylent when I got off work. I am not sure if I will sleep tonight or not. Coffee soylent hasn't caused me any trouble; I didn't have any more trouble falling asleep than usual. I wonder if there's just less caffeine in soylent, or that I'm getting acclimated to caffeine in general. It was super obvious when I drink milk tea that I would be staring at the ceiling that night. I guess I'll find out.
My vision is getting worse and worse. Probably from stress? Or just really dark working conditions. Or both. I don't know. Maybe I'm sleeping on my face too hard and squishing my eyeballs out of shape.
I felt euphoric listening to Sword and Laser on the train today. I don't know why. I had this great sense of excitement when I realize the hosts talked about books I had read and that I could share an experience with other people. I didn't expect this to come up to the fore so much. It's something deep-seeded I guess. I thought about all the past episodes I could listen to and be part of the book club and see what they thought about the stories.
When I'm happy like this, content at least, and at ease with the world, it always brings me back to questioning why I don't feel this way all the time. It's a strong argument in my mind that there is no reason. I could in fact feel ok as a baseline, and that therapy or medicine or treatment could help me to not feel like crap as a default. It's too bad these thoughts come when I'm feel great, and so lessens the incentive for me to get help. It also meshes with my procrastination that even though I know I'll roll back down into the ditch and feel super depressed in short order, and that I should do something about it while I have the motivation and energy, I don't because I put it off until I become incapacitated to do anything.
Got excited about watching Logan, and talked with D about it, and we're going to watch it later this week after work, which is great. It would be a nice new experience and a good positive mark in my memories to nurse my cold nights in the future.
Lazy at work, I could have done more, but didn't.
Charging my Kindle so I can read Senlin Ascends. The rhythm of a Kindle doesn't work for me. It doesn't matter than its battery could last for weeks. When I put down a book, it takes me forever to get back to it. By that time, the batteries out and makes picking it up again harder because I have to charge it from zero charge.
I'm letting myself slip a bit on bitcoin news and Ben Brown videos. I'm trying to not read and watch during the week because of the opportunity cost. I could be doing something else, new or constructive. It could be about power and control again. I didn't like how I was losing myself in them and doing them automatically without deliberate control, and it felt just like video games or reddit, two very bad things because they linger and consume all deliberation. They become lazy choices and I end up feeling like a potato and bystander in my own leisure. But now I think fuck it. It's too abstract. I have no good reason why I just can't do what I want. It was tipping into self-deprivation just for the sake of self-deprivation, and that zone is super no-go, much much worse. It's a place where it's impossible to just relax and enjoy. There's no light anywhere in there.