Mom has energy today equals automatic good day.
I should go to the gym. I resist because I don't want to pay on a recurring basis, and I think I can do home exercises. Exercising at home hasn't done much. A pro of going to the gym is that it's novel and I'm all about trying everything twice, right.
The closest I can attain to a direct positive reaction to me is to get buff. That's so direct. It's an undeniable positive good first impression that cuts against the grain of the instant first impression I give now. I want that gain that immunity. It'll be fun. I love how contrary it is. Even if I don't get the reaction from other people, I would feel hella good knowing I transformed my body. That is as direct a relation to the physical world as I could get. Exciting. That has always been on the cusp, except I keep putting up my bullshit reasons not to do it. It's probably exactly the kind of thing I need. I want to align myself to jocks and direct surface people now more than neurotic overthinkers. I want direct direct direct. We're all trying to get a reaction, and everything I've done since now hasn't worked at all. I haven't gotten what I want. All the build-up has not amounted to anything. Fuck sensitivity and being nuanced and philosophical and staying up thinking. I want fucking results, and I'm through with the abstract and the soft. Being a liberal kind nice guy hasn't gotten me anything. I'm going to devour shit.
All that's talk still. To the gym. It will be the bronze spear thrusted into my fuzzy nebulous fading around. Here I am. I am this. World, your turn.