Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Going down to Sunnyvale tomorrow. I anticipate car crashes, stupid logistical things because I'm not in the offices that often, just bad experience. Gotta set that mindset so nothing bad surprises me because that adds to the bad! What's worse than having bad things happen to me, it's if I don't see it coming, right.

Trying not to touch my face or pick my nose. Resisting.

Having loose ends and open loops bothers me much more than I thought. I can't rest if I know there's something dangling around. I crave closure so I don't have to worry about it. I want my working memory to be perfectly blank, my inbox empty, my to do list cleared. I had to sit down at the sewer fountain plaza for a few minutes just to halt the trudge of my relentless tedium. I couldn't stand it.

Coming back home helped today. Mom had energy. One of the security cameras is all set up, and the thing I was worried about–that I have to set up an FTP thing to watch recorded videos–that was moot because there's a tab in the app to look at all the recorded videos on the SD card. It works. So cool. I just have to get the other one squared away. It's a clean open loop.

What else is bothering me? Other devs at work had the same idea that I had, that one goal I thought I was so proactive in thinking up and excited to do, to make a reference template with all the latest updates. They went off to coffee and come back and mentioned a canonical template, which was exactly my idea. Fuck. I'm going to get fired instantly. I have no leg to stand on. This is business, bitch!

No writing today either. No reason either. It would feel so much better to do it. But no.

OH. The worst thing with the lottery happened because of my pussy-ass passivity. I had won $1 and was so looking forward to cashing out that dollar. It means more to me to have that than the monetary value. So I hand the ticket to the guy without really explaining because I assumed what else could I mean if I hand a lotto ticket over. He assumed I wanted another ticket, and gave me one, and I meekly accepted their wrong assumption and didn't protest and walked away. I walked the walk of shame and was bummed out and hated myself. I had just bought another ticket the day before too, so now I have two unnecessary, inefficient tickets in my wallet. My twisty brain imagines me winning because of this, and how how I feel never matches up with reality, and that was really be how I win. I would treasure the dollar if I won two dollars because that extra one would really be pure profit from luck. There's nothing better I could do with that dollar, so it makes efficient sense to just get another ticket. That's not the point though, of course. The point is me being submissive and take what's given and not protest and being such a bitch. I will never change.

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