Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Watching Ben Brown videos inspires me to do and act and create. It's nice.

Trouble is, I don't know what to do with this feeling. Write. I have to work within the confines of my neuroses and obsession.

Straight through at work. Nothing barbed. Expect the same tomorrow. No whammie.

I'm going to put lotion inside my right nostril every day until the fucking persistent pain from I don't know a cut or something goes away. What the hell.

The timeline is going to look like this. I'm going to finish the YouTube binging. I'll write at night before bed. Wake up early and go to the gym. And that would be it. Lolz. Not going to happen. I'm going to waste time after work because I'll be super tired and writing would be the last thing I want to do. I won't wake up early enough consistently to make it to the gym. I'll go during the weekends and half-ass it all. No gains, wasted money. I would give up the gym after maybe three months. That's the minimum at least to get V the referral bonus. Then I don't know, I'll keep dribbing and drabbing at the writing. I could hold off doing anything else with my evening. That part would be easy. I really wouldn't have any excuse to keep watching vlogs or whatever. I'll ram all the weak exercise and writing into this precarious spot of freedom that's dominated by whimsy and how tired I feel. No habits can make a foothold during this time. I would have to manually force myself to do anything; it'll be pulling teeth the entire way. Despair and capitulation are easy options on the narrow ledge. I'll rationalize something and I'll stop trying, even what minimal effort I'm putting in now to change my destiny and take my life into my own hands, and give up for good one raw day.

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