Finished watching, no more Youtube binge. I've lifted the onus I placed on myself to get through all of Ben Brown's videos. I haven't watched all of them, that's for sure. I was skipping around when I first began watching and then only decided to watch every one of them somewhere around the middle I think. It's a weird viewing experience, watching vlogs of someone's life. There's so much of it that you feel you know them, but you don't. But still, something must come across after like a thousand videos, involuntary things that pass through the performative aspects of looking into a camera.
Will be super sleepy tomorrow again. It's almost 1.
I feel the worst about my job than I have ever before. All the signs are there that my time there won't last much longer. Something is going to happen soon. Sense tingling. The work we get are crappy clean up shit. These are scraps they're throwing over. I just sit there all day not doing anything significant. Designers have had no work for a long time. I don't know how much longer they will stay. Surely they are looking for work, and the resignations are going to start coming. Ship jumping time. Restructuring indeed. I feel everything shifting.
I don't know what I'll do. I won't be able to pay the mortgage anymore. Dad will start paying again. V will probably pick up the property tax. I'll just be bumming around. I won't be able to feel guilt-free enough to write. Or exercise. Or think about what new job I want. I'll panic and latch onto whatever I'm doing now and swirl myself down the same toilet bowl for another year or two, rinse and fucking repeat. I should have been doing all the growth, cumulative, nutritive stuff while I could. But instead I'd pissed it away watching Youtube. Perspective. I'm too late already. I should have sorted out my mindset a year ago.
This is scary. New starts tomorrow.