I'm back working on the book. Feels good. I don't know how effective or how long I can stick with it this time. String enough of these though–
I can't explain my loss of faith and belief in anything lately. There's no benefit to faith. Whatever comfort and motivation and hope it gives to other people don't penetrate through my apathy and resistance. I prefer the plodding I'm doing on base ground rather than the lofty floating swell of good feeling. That just tells how hard it is for me to imagine being happy as an effortless default state. It's on an undependable high energy state that only spikes and peaks and continuously collapses every instance.
I'll go to bed early, wake up early, exercise at the gym, wait to get fired at work, write in the evening.
V told me she quit her job and will be back in the city in the summer. She suggests road trip. Yes please. I don't know, I keep thinking about her as my best chance at a girlfriend. I don't lust after her or anything, but I consider her family and if I would get along with them, if I were to marry her, and stupid shit like that, getting way, way ahead of myself. I plan for stupid eventualities when I have all this prerequisite steps to take care of first. Just like my worldbuilding and outlining. First things first. Do I want to ask her out? Nothing can stop me. I don't care that I'm not sure. I don't care that we might not be a good fit. I don't care if I don't like her sometimes. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. I don't care that I would burn through one of a very precious few friends I have left if this doesn't work out and it becomes weird. I don't care that she's in Chicago. Well not really. Sort of. That's physical. I can't ask her out if she's not here. I want this.