Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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I feel so beat up and awful after being around people. I compare my dire situation with everyone's lives and I just despair. Here's what normal people are and do and I'm way over boring ass here. I have nothing to say. I have no stories. I can't keep up. Even among very lowkey people, I'm like sub-low. How can I hope to even interact and socialize with higher energy people?

Me wanting to date V is just as hopeless. She has no actual plans to move back at all, not to mention she's essentially just back together with her boyfriend. Me hearing that just instantly makes my natural reaction to retract and withdraw, when I really, if I want to get what I want, should activate aggression and willingness to fight, not fucking looking for any opportunity to surrender. This shit is nonstop.

I really am going to die alone and I'll keep feeling this way all the way until the end. If I were this lucky to even keep at this level of pain. It's a long gradual way down. That's the current trajectory.

No one wants to go bouldering with me, either. So that was a bust.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. All the things I want seem to take fucking forever. Me working out. Writing. So am I supposed to just feel this crappy the entire time?

How did I get here? Odesza asks. Indeed.

At least that came on in the playmix. Just what I need.

This is a noticeable, sharp dip in my mood. It's breathtaking, I was just in thick misery the entire time during dinner and afterward. Shangri-la. Then Quickly. I said I dissolved my baby tooth in coke. I said it just to have something to say. I then looked up if it was possible to dissolve teeth in coke online to try to back my story up. It's not possible. I'm just going to be remembered as a liar from now on. I know N will remember the bullshit I said and hold it against me. I don't know why I care so much about what she or other people think. It'll affect my random meetings with her when I see V. Sucks. I can't make this better either.

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