Will there come a time when I accept nothing's going to get better?
I feel really awful right now. The main thing is because of open loops at work. Then the always present background radiation of mom's cancer. Then perhaps even more in the background, my passivity and inability to direct my own course. I feel the press of the commute and the salary, and the crossed out boxes in the grid of my day. There are just four hours or so of time in my day when I have full faculty of my time. Two of them in the morning I need to wake up super early to access. The other two comes at the end of the day when I'm tired as fuck after work and the commute. Those are the battlegrounds, in a sense. The easiest battlegrounds. I could attack the time taken up by work. And the last chunks are sleep, which I would gladly empty out if I didn't care about going crazy from delirium.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I stayed late at work today, so I don't feel like waking up early tomorrow to go to the gym. On top of that, in my mind, is the complication of actually signing up and paying for a membership. My guest pass ended yesterday. Those two push me to go on an off day, Saturday, to get all that going. It's effectively a separate event in my mind that doesn't fit into the regular stream of gym so far. It's a weird rationalization thing. I want to go to the gym too, so I don't know what's going on in my brain.
I can wake up early, just not as early as 6, and write. That's the ideal option I want to do. Get up at 7, get back into writing. Don't end up on the 9:15 train. I hate that train. That reminds me that I failed to keep control that day. I would be forced to walk up Van Ness instead of enjoying the choice of routes out of Market.
The most likely, defeating thing, would be me waking up at 8:40 and ending up on the 9:15 train again. I will do everything to avoid this outcome tomorrow.
I just need that to not start a day off badly.