Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
06 05 04 03 02 01
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Played a good several hours of Heroes at first. Satisfaction.

There are four levels of happiness in my eyes. Bad foundation bad surface. Bad foundation good surface. Good foundation bad surface. And good foundation good surface. I'm living between the first and second levels pretty much all the time. I rarely get anything good that I acknowledge or readily accept. Something has to be extra good to pierce through my fog of pessimism. And even when that happens, I regard it as a surface good. All the foundation stuff is still bad, and will never change until my parents die, or I win the lottery and don't have any more money problems, or if I treat my depression and finally just kind of relax and not worry about my social problems, or if I get married, then I'm free. All those are serious foundation problems that will take a serious change in my life, out of my own volition and effort at that, no charity if possible, except for the lottery thing of course, I won't care at all about getting that handout. And then I would find something else to complain about and never acknowledge the good foundational things in my life are actually good.

Got acknowledged at work. That's a surface good. I feel uncomfortable about it, like when I get compliments or praise. I keep waiting for the client to write back and say that there was something wrong. This stuff isn't solid in my mind. They can go as easily as they come. It was nice though. H made me a certificate and said nice things about me in front of everyone in the company. I viscerated the praise in my mind to dismiss it. I did something in half the time. That doesn't mean it's good in the end. So I don't give myself any breaks, whatever.

Tomorrow will be nice. Gym. Watching Your Name. Write?