Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01
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Didn't go to the gym; slept instead. Excessive sleeping is a symptom of depression. I fit. Or I just like to sleep.

I should just play video games. No, I'll write. Phase out video games from a possibility until I've written more. It should be simple.

I'll go to the gym tomorrow. Will also cook steak for E and S.

The recent problem is impotence. Not of the dick. I've tried to gain weight for years and nothing. Soylent didn't fill in the gaps I thought were the problem. I've tried to write, and it's gone nowhere. OkCupid, after months of continuously messaging people, got my first indifferent reply today. All this under the fog of mom's ineffective cancer treatment for the past two years. Work, two years no raises.

Nothing has worked. Nothing I do has made any difference. Nothing has progressed despite effort. Nothing gained. All stagnant at best and failures across the board. I can't get what I want. Is the lesson here that I'm just not good enough, not trying hard enough, and I just have to be better?

The only thing I can do is keep banging my head on the wall. What else can I do?

Hope and persistence have only led me to this, so what's the point? Payoff somewhere on the horizon? Good things will come? I will get what I deserve? Never give up? OK whatever.