Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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I don't know what to do. Today was especially bad, because I was hit with both the regular incessant sadness of mom's cancer and then the spike of depression that comes inevitably from seeing people with kids and a spouse and a settled life. I tell myself that I don't want those things, but how come I reflexively want them? The entire society expects me to. I feel the immense gulf between everyone and myself. I must truly want what society wants me to want then if I always feel like such a loser for not being married and have kids and a house. I can't separate out what I want and what's externally being shoved down my throat. That despair mixes with mom's cancer really well, because that's her wish too and I can't do anything else to make her feel better apparently. All this is crashing down on me and I'm super paralyzed and can't even breathe right. I literally take these short gasps like I'm under a huge boulder. This is going to kill me. I can't stand this anymore. And this is ALL in my head too. The pain is real though. I don't know what to do.

I'm disgusted with bitcoin now. I disagree with almost everything bitcoin fans say. The technology itself at its core is neat, but I don't see people using it. Transaction fees are hella high. This also means confirmation times are hella high. Why would an average person choose that over their credit card or PayPal? Convenience is paramount. Plus I will never become rich from it, so I'm not going to bother. It may be a nice bonus, but that's just it. Same for ether, unfortunately. I like it more than bitcoin because it has other stuff going on besides trying to be a payment system. I also like it more because I bought in early and have a slightly better chance of becoming rich off of it. Still slim. I will do this. I will not read any more about bitcoin because it's irrelevant to me now, and just follow ether because it's within the realm of possibility it will change my life. Simple.

The only thing I can do now for comfort is journalling. It feels good to unload like this. It's a core constant, as it has always been. I can bank on this at least, as a solid rock in my life. I can reset myself here, eventually. Take a breather.

More bad news in family friend's wedding. More reminders of my failures in life, I can't stand it. I'll go because I know it won't be centered on me and I can just be passive and do the minimum to pass through the evening.

Writing has gone down the shitter for me. I barely have any shred of motivation or enjoyment of it. The engine has idled down to a sputter. When I think about writing, the activation energy required is super high. I see the mound and mound of words sitting in the many files and I get overwhelmed and have no urge to dive in or pick up where I left off. I don't know how to make it easier for me to pick up where I left off. This makes the process super brittle and fragile; it requires that I keep my momentum and if I stop, I get derailed and have to bring everything I have to bear to re-engage again. This really takes so much discipline I don't have. It's so easy for me to think how easy it would be to give up. I can unbear some of my background burden, and give myself some bit of relief. Too bad I've hooked up so many dependencies on this writing thing, and if it goes, I will truly have nothing left to live for. It's a barren-ass landscape I'm facing. I'm just dangling from a thread here.

OK yeah, this is by far the most depressed I have ever been. It's insane what my brain is doing. I need it to flip, to let up. I need to write.