Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Helped V cook Mother's Day dinner.

It's a windy evening. My finger tips are dry and I can't grip things very well. Sliding across the keys. Socks loose. I'm really cold too for some reason, and have put on the life perserver down vest. And my hood's up.

Worked on the draft some. Trying to dig myself out of whatever intermediary hell I'm in. I want to bank a step in the process and not be in the middle of one perpetually. Just get me through this to a plateau and a milestone. Close a loop!

I don't know why I'm depriving myself of simple pleasures. I told myself last night that I should not go on the crypto subreddits and not check prices. I want to, but resist, for no reason I can think of. It's not improving my life to not satisfy my craving for crypto information. It is a waste of time, but so is playing games, which in my current state I'm verging on doing, preferring firing up Heroes to reading about bitcoin. I still believe that delayed gratification means something, somehow, and it's constructive and is good for me. I can't articulate why, at the moment. It just seems like masochism.

I haven't read anything, have no urge to watch anything, movies, TV, or otherwise. Not engaging in anything. Sure signs of continued depression. I'm not letting myself watch the Survivor and Amazing Race episodes I've downloaded until I have them all for the season, in some wish to replicate the fondness of bingeing on the full season knowing all the episodes are there. Those apartment days and nights are over. There is no reason why I shouldn't watch the episodes now because I can't watch them all in one sitting anymore. It's a diminished experience. I have to settle for this now. But what can I do; this is the best I have.

I do this. Every day when I wake up, I need to pinpoint a certain moment of that day that I look forward to, that will be my favorite, the star I'm walking toward. There must necessarily be a point in the day that I prefer over the other points. I should just fix my gaze on that, and let that guide me through the crap I have to endure to reach it. Even if it's to the moment my head hits the pillow, that's something.

Tomorrow is easy. I'm looking extremely forward to seeing how much my paycheck is and all the delicious deductions and paystub information. Another moment is returning the Uniqlo shirts. $100 back yes please. Is there another? Listening to Table Talk when I get on the train in the morning. Being able to check crypto news at work. I should do this exercise every day and list out all the things I know are coming and look forward to. That would help with my depression immensely hopefully.

I actually do want to watch a movie. I want to watch one out of my external drive. It's more to lighten the load of old accumulated data than anything. It'd feel good to minimize and reduce and clear away.

hey@weijianzhang.com