Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Life is getting shittier and shittier and I'm not surprised anymore. It's just going to be this way. I can't escape.

What do I want? I want to get away from everyone. I want to be myself. I want to do things on my own. I want simplicity. People are complicated. I feel fucking ensnared. I don't want to consider other people. I don't want to care. When I think of happy times, the easiest times are when I'm alone. There are happy memories spent with people, but those took a lot of work.

I'm so tired. Nothing is getting better. Is that just my depression or reality? I can't trust my own judgement to be objective.

And V telling me that mom wants me to be proactive and help dad. That kind of thing ruins me.

Work is hell right now too.

I am the least proactive person ever. I don't have initiative. Because I don't care. I do when I care. I don't care so much, as default, that I don't do.

When do I see things getting better? After mom dies. I can't take this elongated period of pain and suffering everywhere. Death cannot be the answer. I should be mistaken here, but I don't think so. I see immense relief, and it's only after everyone I care about dies that I can free and happy. It's really fucked up in that way, but that's how I feel. As long as there are people alive, I worry about their decline in health and death in the back of my mind that I can't shake off. I don't see a way around it. I can't not think about it. I can't not let it affect me. I can't relax, totally, until there's a clean slate. Zero inbox. It's this fact about myself right now that I know deep, and why I think I'm never going to be happy. My life is just going to be filled like this until what, thirty years pass and everyone I know is dead, then will I find what I'm looking forward to? I can't live a normal life because I can't relax about people I care about dying. And my supreme need, yearning, lust for solitude because that's plain and clean and I'm in control of everything and there's nothing in the back of my mind bothering me. I can be at peace. How can someone like me live a bearable life, if I just want to get away all the time and disconnect and be a hermit? I guess I just have to be a hermit then. It's the easy away out.

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