Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
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Waiting for hospice nurse. I feel bad about feeling annoyed that we would call a nurse this late on a Sunday night and have to wait a long time. Mom is hurting and I should want her not to hurt at all costs. She doesn't hurt as much now so I don't know what we want the nurse to do. Up her dosage? I think that's the reason. I hate how everything is ambiguous and nebulous and uncertain and mom doesn't know what's hurting just that everything is uncomfortable. The nurse will come and then what? Probably at midnight. What would they even do? How would they determine mom needs a higher dose? That's the only thing we want right now is a way to kill her pain more consistently. Her having to lie down because her butt and back hurts from sitting leads to her not able to breathe at night and so she has to sit back up again, and back and forth. Taking care of someone else makes people unreasonable, because they can be unreasonable for someone else, that's fine. You have to be complete assholes to demonstrate love apparently, to show how much you care. I think this. It's how unreason exists in the world because they can be had by proxy. This is not true true because of course you don't have to be cruel to take care of someone, but I imagine people who don't usually shove people shoving others aside in the taxi line or yell at the nurse if their family was involved. I feel bad about caring that I can't watch Game of Thrones and can't relax for the rest of the evening because I have to wait for the nurse. I don't let myself do anything fun because there's still an open loop. This kind of behavior exasperates the pain and the waiting. Yep, this just gets worse and worse, right on schedule.

Went to the gym today.