Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01
19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01

Mom died.

I wanted to leave just that sentence as the post, to enshrine the weight of the words with stark brevity. But that's useless. It's definitely not 'nuff said. I'm very glad I'm so clear on which side I stand with that. I will never let myself be that person that would just have "Mom died." as the only content in a blog post. Fuck them. Fuck meta.

I don't know what to do now. I was so stressed in the morning not knowing when mom will die and I couldn't focus on stupid work and not letting myself settle on either side. I should have just sat and been with mom and not worry about work. I knew I would regret it at the time and didn't want to fucking work at a time like this, but I didn't know what to do. I'm trying very hard now to not let all the regret in, because I can't let that consume me. It's not hope at the bottom of the barrel; it's regret. It's always regret.

I walked with V afterward to throw away the leftover needles and medicine at Walgreens and the police station. Got boba. It was the very best. I want more of that real talk and connection in my life. It's why people matter and why I need to try harder.

The rest of the day feels so different and interesting now. I don't have to worry about mom for the first time in over two years. I can start worrying about dad! Have I been looking forward to this day? Is there the relief I craved? For the suffering, mine and hers and dad's and V's, to stop?

Talked with V that the only way to escape death is to die by yourself. Hm.