Weijian Zhang
2017 2016
08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01
19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01

Better day today because of better day at work. Things that felt were unraveling didn't, and starting to come together. But not there yet.

Watched episode of Game of Thrones.

I see the light at the end of the long two-year cancer tunnel. I sense the parting of clouds and drear ahead. I just have to make it through this week, through the funeral. I have waited for the moment after the funeral when I've come back home for so, so long. Hurdles of potential diaster are confirming that the flowershop printed out mom's photo OK. I will mitigate that by printing out a copy from Walgreens. I'm hella not leaving that up to chance. Then the funeral itself and people showing up at the right place, and the candies and red and white envelope handing out process. Then the eulogy. Then the drive over to the cemetery. Then the burial. Everything is so fraught with no room for error or it'll stick forever in memory that we messed things up. Hate this. The last hurdle is confirming that the cemetery burial people are there to do their job and bury mom. After I see that when we show up at the cemetery, I can breathe. I won't have to worry in this same way until dad falls ill or dies. Grandma too, to a lesser extent. I've shirked responsibility so far and this is the closest I've come to actually having any. When dad dies, I will have the full brunt of it. I hope and wish dearly that this happens very far off in the future and dad has outlived all my other relatives who would contest my will. I will do the funeral my way and don't want to care about doing it wrong or whatever. Dealing with the other people part really is hell. I can handle events on their own just fine.

These are my concerns.

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